What an action packed results show! There was an Elvis medley complete with whacked out dancing and bad lip syncing! Miley Cyrus's ex boy-toy failed to prove he could do more than model underpants! Adam Lambert nearly got swept away in a big green tornado! There were not one but TWO eliminations (in case y'all somehow managed to miss that part)! All right, to be honest, Adam's stage performance was pretty sweet, but I tuned most of this episode out in favor of Facebook apps. Except for that group number, which was so crazy I couldn't not watch it.

Remember when results shows used to be half an hour long? I think they need to get back to that.

( VIVA VIAG... oops... LAS VEGAS! )

( American Idol: A little less conversation, a little more action, please. All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me. )

( Survivor: The Great Karmic Bitch Slap. )

( RuPaul's Drag Race: 'But I'm going to turn it around and show her, no bitch, you ain't got this'. )

Okay, I'm calling it: this show has officially jumped the shark. Technically it did it last season with the introduction of the judges save, but no one noticed because Adam Lambert was there to pull in viewers with his general awesomeness. Last year they saved it all the way to the top five, but this year they used it to save a guy who was voted out in ninth place in a desperate attempt to kick up their ratings. They should have just recruited Kate Gosselin to be their fourth judge. She would probably be about as helpful as Ellen, and for some god awful reason, people seem to want to watch her.

The judges can't honestly believe a ninth place finisher has a snowballs chance in hell of winning, or crap, even coming close to the top 3. I sincerely doubt it, and isn't that the entire point?

( An open letter to the voted out contestant. )

Apparently someone spiked the AI contestants Vitamin Water (that is what they're peddling this year, no?) with a little bit of awesome sauce, because last night was actually pretty good. I mean, not everyone, but they had stuck the bad, boring, and/or lame performances all up front, so by the time they got to Crystal it was fairly decent way to spend the remaining hour and however many minutes.

( And I don't care what anyone says, there is NEVER a bad time to break out the bagpipes. )

Man, I just don't know about this season (yes, I know, I say that every week). Some contestants I expected to do well did shockingly bad, and others I expected to suck did shockingly well. Others stepped up their game in a big fat way, and Tim Urban managed to turn an insult into a positive... through complete and utter cluelessness.

( There might actually be hope after all, once they get rid of all the dead weight. )

Honestly, what is up with these horrendous guest performances on elimination night? Not that they're always awesome, or anything. Last year we got Jamie Foxx and his robot voice, and Carrie Underwood and Randy Travis doing a duet with the creepy effect turned up to eleven. But man, I would take either of those stinkers over the crap they've given us the last two weeks in a row. First Ke$ha bumbling around onstage looking like she'd just crawled out of the gutter after a week long Mad Dog 20/20 binge, trying desperately to rip off Lady Gaga's shtick, AND pissing all over a Native American headdress (not literally, and frankly, I'm a little shocked she didn't just go for it).

Then tonight we got Miley Cyrus making this years contestants (yes, even Tim Urban) sound AWESOME, and Demi Lovato dumbing herself down so as not to show up a Jonas brother. Usually I think Demi is cute, and sounds good even if her songs are crap, but tonight I just wanted to tell her to shut the hell up and stop waving her arm around. Also, what in the hell was up with her hair? She looked like Kara's little sister.

( And let's not forget the stunningly bad group performance of a Wham! song. Someone on AI needs to be given a mental health holiday, because no one in their right mind could have thought THAT was a good idea. )

Two questions: Have I suddenly become a masochist? Because these people keep bringing the fail, and I keep tuning in for it. And what was the theme last night? It was either '#1's from the Billboard Hot 100' or 'Songs from the year your parents were born.'

( A collection of random thoughts )

Alright, so the title is misleading. It wasn't that bad last night, definitely not the train wreck I was expecting. There were even moments that were downright awesome, and one performance that had me torn between laughing my ass off and throwing my beer bottle at my television. I went with the former, why waste good beer? Or a good television.

( Take me down, little Susie, take me down. I know you think you're the queen of the underground. )

How awesome was Matt Giraud on American Idol last night? His mohawk is a little ridiculous, but he's still hotter than hell. Scott McIntyre was pretty good too. Their dueling piano performance was 100 times more entertaining than anything else on AI this season (aside from Allison and Kris).

( But what in the HELL was up with those eliminations? )

Last night I had the pleasure (yes, that was sarcasm) of seeing my most beloved song of all time brutally ass raped slash murdered on American Idol. And just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than that, it did. Oh boy, did it. I apologize for my all caps post of rage last night, but really, it was either that or curl up into the fetal position.

( I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? )

I'M TAKING A MOTHER EFFING HIT OUT ON TIM URBAN RIGHT NOW!

Last night I very wisely fast forwarded over Danny Gokey's guest performance on American Idol, both the song and interview w/ Ryan afterward. Although I did observe that Danny was looking a little haggard wile all this fast forwarding was going on. The husband's response, "Yeah, drugs will do that to you."

Now that I've actually watched the singing/interview (shut up), I have to wonder if maybe he had a point, and the Gokey has picked himself up a meth habit. But maybe it's not that bad, maybe he just had about a gazillion cups of coffee before he performed.

( Oh, and he STILL brings up his dead wife. )

1. NPH + JOSS WHEDON + GLEE = EPIC!!!*

*Link contains spoilers. OMG why is it not May already?

( Content under cut also contains spoilers... AI and Survivor style )

I have to say, although the reason for it definitely sucked, I'm glad that the men and women had to switch nights this week. The men would have looked pretty damn lackluster if they would have had to go on second, because the women were on fire... well, some of them definitely were, anyway.

( It's been a long time comin'... boy, ain't that the truth? )

Everyone must have taken their bad critiques to heart last week, because almost everyone was miles better. Of course, for a few people that still amounted to some shitty performances, but at least they were much better shitty performances. That's got to count for something, right? If you're Tim Urban, I'm sure it means you're golden...

( Unfortunately. )

That was a vast improvement over the complete suckitude of last week. And thank goodness for it too, because I didn't want to have to run screaming from this season. Hopefully the women can accomplish the same thing tonight. And hopefully Crystal is doing much better after her trip to the hospital yesterday morning!

I can now cancel the huge fit I was preparing to throw when Aerosmith finally replaced Steven Tyler. He's back in the band!

They're rebooting The Rockford Files. That is sad and hilarious.

Yes, I do watch more than reality television shows, and I usually can't be bothered to comment on Survivor, but something has clearly gone afoul over on the Hero's tribe. Or someone, I should say. James, dude! WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

( Who pissed in your cornflakes? )

First the good: Allison looked AMAZING, and she still sounds awesome on stage, even if I don't particularly care for Scars. Kris Allen could decide to make a career off of Beatles covers, and I would be perfectly fine with that. His Let It Be was so good. This years contestants should take note. That's how you do a slower song without making people consider going to bed early.

( Now for the bad and the ugly. )

Unfortunately I don't mean wow in a good way. I now understand why the judges keep insisting the women are so strong this year. Because in comparison to the men, they are. It wasn't ALL bad, but honestly, I think I enjoyed some performances more than I would have if everyone else hadn't sucked so hard. It was pretty damn dismal. Literally. A lot of those songs had me wanting to seek out my friendly neighborhood psychologist for a Prozac prescription.

I'll definitely be tuning in tomorrow for Allison Iraheta(!) and I'll give these clowns one more chance to pull it together, but if next week is as bad as this week, I'm giving up on this season altogether.

( Large portions of this post will now be devoted to picking on Kara, you have been warned. )